So here I am in the most incredible place on earth. As I look around I see the most beautiful beach, crystal blue sea, stunning swimming pool. Drinks and anything you desire at the push of a button.
If I can’t feel anything but bliss here then there must be something wrong eh?
The truth is that the feelings we feel in our everyday will not suddenly go away because we change our environment. I still had the meltdowns over my physicality, how fat I feel in clothes, how I scrutinise every photo to see how bad my double chin and wrinkles look. Does any of this sound familiar?
Why can’t I relax? Why can’t I stop being so anxious - I am in the most beautiful place in the world so why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I stop being so stupid? Stop being predisposed by my demons and just enjoy being somewhere where some others can only dream of. Stop
wasting your life worrying and not enjoying. Surely if I shared my thoughts I would be deemed ungrateful or ridiculous for ruining this amazing experience. ’just look where you are!‘ ‘look at all you have!’ ‘Put it into perspective’ this is why I have suppressed my feelings for so long - fear of what people would think.
The truth is that I have been trying too hard for all my life. Nothing is ever enough.
That doesn’t mean that I always want more. It just means that I am not at peace. I am constantly trying to find what’s next as if I do this or achieve that I would then be happy. If I can get through that thing that is happening next weekend then I will be ok. I need something to look forward to otherwise I can’t cope today. I am therefore never living in the moment.
It seems that I am chasing peace and happiness. This in my minds eye looks like two things - my physical self and acceptance from others.
Physical Self
I have associated happiness with how I look physically. I cannot possibly be happy if I am overweight. The only times I have felt confident was when I was thin. So of
course I associate that must be the reason. So putting on weight vs my decline in happiness has been in
correlation. So much emphasis on how I look and how people will perceive me. If I haven’t seen someone for a while and they invite me for dinner then I ruin the run up to it by worrying about what they will think of how I look.
On the flip side if I have lost weight then I feel good and am happy to socialise as surely people will be kind and I will fit in.
Acceptance from others
This links to the above. Always trying to please others. Does not matter who that person is - they may play no part in my life but thinking someone thinks anything negative about me is unbearable. Always wanting everyone around me to be ok and everyone to be happy.
This yearning for acknowledgement and acceptance is crippling. A viscous circle that self perpetuates into beating myself up knowing how I feel seems crazy and I am stupid for feeling this way and on and on it goes.
So as I am sat on a sunbed contemplating the world today I feel strangely peaceful. I am not analysing or overthinking. I am looking around being present in the moment.
I look at my family and feel very blessed. I am very conscious not to teach my girls that how we look is everything - as I truly don’t judge others. But it’s hard to teach when I feel how I feel inside about myself.
My youngest daughter told me that it was hard to hear me say negative things about myself and that hit home. She also told me that I have taught her so much positivity in her life that I am truly inspiring to her.
Our progress is not going to be linear and recognition is key. Don’t judge, don’t blame, just recognise and understand. That goes for ourselves as well as for others. Be kind and learn how to be at peace with ourselves- learn to be safe and secure alone with ourselves. Look inside not to the outside for answers.
I am learning peace within my body - my weight does not define me so I am
learning I can be happy at any weight. I can have goals and one can be to lose weight but for the right reasons. Not to make me happy, for health and fitness.
The more work I do at the gym the more astounded I become about how my body works and what it can do. I am getting stronger and that feels good.
Love this Deborah. Your a wonderful beautiful soul. X