I was planning to go to the gym yesterday. I had the day off from work which meant I had plenty of time. I could have chosen any time to go. Other than an appointment at 2pm my day was pretty clear.
My usual MO is to overthink, worry about how to fit everything in and then end up either not going or rushing at the last minute. My work life is now much more flexible and less stressful that it has ever been so there is no reason I can't do more things for myself and I do have time to fit it all in - so why don't I? Is it a lack of planning? should I structure my days off more? or is it about something more fundamental than that? Let's explore.....
Hasn't Always Been Like This.
My work life has always been hectic. Since leaving school I have either been studying, working or both. After University I started as a Trainee Accountant which required working full time and then studying on top for professional exams which took 4 years. This was incredibly difficult and as a result I did not really have a social life as any spare time was used for studying. Once qualified I suppose I filled the void left by studying with work and more work. I was ambitious, driven and wanted to go as high as possible in my career.
Looking back I see this was a choice but at the time I didn't feel like it was, I was on the hamster wheel of constant working and striving and didn't know how to stop. There were times I was so unhappy, tired and burnt out and other times when I felt I could take on the world.
This has continued as a pattern for most of my adult life. Roller coaster emotions, feeling up feeling down. Feeling burnt out then bouncing back. It was a constant battle to push myself to feel better.
Then our two daughters came along which made juggling work and home life even more of a challenge. Feeling like you are not succeeding in any part of your world does take its toll. There was literally not enough hours in the day to fit anything in, never mind trying to do anything that wasn't family or work related. The result was that anything for me personally came either way down the list or not on the list at all.
Fast forward a lot of years and I do find myself able to take work a little easier, I can be much more flexible and am able to take some time off here and there. I try not to work full time any more. In September 2022 it will be 30 years since I started work so I know I have done my time.
Believing it is ok to slow down.
The constant years of working too much in a very stressful male led profession left its impression on me. I was not ever good enough, I had to work harder to prove myself, I could not stop pushing otherwise it would all fall apart.
I am not trying to knock or criticise working in an all male environment, I can only say what happened to me and my own experience. I did have to work harder to be in the same place, I did have to be subjected to sexist remarks and 'banter' that went too far many times. I was treated differently. However I worked incredibly hard and am proud to say I was made manager just after qualifying as a Chartered Accountant which is very rare and I was and still am as far as I know the youngest manager the firm had ever promoted. I was also the first female manager ever in the role. I declined partnership and decided to step back a little so I could be around more for my daughters and I don't regret that decision for a second. However, there is a little piece of me that wonders where my career would have gone if I had found a way to try to do it all.
I was and still am very proud of those achievements and so as we have fast forwarded to today, where my children are nearly grown and I am able to be a lot more flexible and step back a lot.
My work life is still incredibly stressful and busy but honestly not anything like it used to be. It is so much more manageable, so why can't I now start doing some things for me? I think some of the reason I find it hard to do things for me such as time at the gym is that I never was able to do it before. So now it feels like I a being extremely selfish, its like I am looking over my shoulder thinking that I should either be somewhere else or that people will think 'look at her! typical lady who lunches'. This definitely harps back to my insecurities of worrying about what other people are thinking of me and always trying to convince others that I am working hard and that I am trying.
For my entire life I have pushed and grafted, been constantly in a state of stress or panic and so maybe it has been inbuilt into me that I am in constant 'on a mission' mode. I have run on empty, working, striving and grafting for so many years that it will probably take some time to start to wind down.
Leaving my Safe Place.
My coping mechanism when I am either feeling anxious or feel like I am being selfish is to stay at home. Home is my safe place and home is where I feel secure. No-one can hurt me here right? However the downside of feeling so safe at home is that I don't always feel safe elsewhere. This therefore means that whenever I am not at home I suffer with crippling anxiety which only is relieved by being at home. I should also mention here that my other safe place is work as I have spent so much time at work over the years I am very comfortable and in my element within the work place. It is everywhere else in between, social events, family events, leisure activities, anything where I have to put myself out of my comfort zone I struggle massively.
So if I try to go to the gym, I will go for the planned time and get back home as soon as I have finished my program. That way I am not out too long and feel relieved to be home. I then reward myself for doing so well being out at all by comfort eating along with a side plate of beating myself up for being so stupid. Stupid for feeling scared to be out and stupid for bingeing and overeating when I return.
Recognising What Is Happening.
So yesterday when I went to the gym I did something different. I did the session, then decided to go swimming and also sit in the hot tub for a little while. Then had a long hot shower and took my time getting ready afterwards. It sounds so silly to those who have never suffered with anxiety but I promise you that it was a little step forward for me.
I suddenly realised that I had been doing the rushing back home routine for a long time without even recognising it. I had been justifying everything to myself that I was busy and needed to get back but in reality I have been making excuses to get home for a long time.
I also recognised that I had been saying no to social events as I couldn't cope with not being at home. It is easier to not go than have to explain how I was feeling and worry others would not understand. Many of my friends would probably try to persuade me to stay out or to come out as it would do me good.
So How Did it Feel?
Well my trip to the gym was fantastic, felt great during and after the session and then a swim after to ease the muscles and warm down. Staying in the shower for ages is also something I never do, in and out as quick as humanly possible. So it was really nice to just take my time and not worry that there was 1,000 things I needed to be doing. In essence I was just breathing.
I followed this up today with an appointment at the opticians for which I decided to walk to get some steps in. When I was on my way home I was listening to a podcast on AirPods and enjoying it so decided to take the long way home, which instead of being about 10 mins walk turned into an hour and half walk. I just felt spontaneous and went with it. Nothing more nothing less.
How I am Feeling Today.
So in conclusion, for me personally I don't want to be regimented in any way. I don't want to plan my days off to maximise time and to be efficient in what I want to fit in. That is way too planned and pressured. It causes more stress by trying to take the pressure off doing some nice 'me time' things on my days off.
I still know my home is my safe place and I am working on that little by little. I still feel guilty doing anything for me which again is something I am working on. However, the best route for me is to listen to my feelings instead of my head. Stop the overthinking over analysing of what I should be doing or shouldn't be doing. Stop the noise in my head which tells me I am wasting a valuable day off by being lazy and not going to the gym or going walking or doing this or doing that.
I am also not going to have a plan to sort out my reliance on my safe place, no goal no plan to try going out more, increasing the time outside by a little every day, that is too structured and orchestrated. It needs to just feel right. Feel organic and what I feel I want to do.
So again, baby steps into the unknown.
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