Feeling so much more positive. The challenge this week has been not pushing too hard and going back into the mindset of all or nothing. I am starting to believe that I can do whatever I want to do and that we don't have to label ourselves or put ourselves into a self diagnosed category. 'I'm a all or nothing person' or 'I am not able to do that' or 'I am not the sort of person that can do ...' Who says we can't? Surely we can do or be whatever we want?
However, I am still trying to learn patience and taking each day as it comes. Stop the noise in my head telling me I should be doing.... or I shouldn't be doing..... Just be in the moment, do what I feel like doing and not what I think I should be doing. The difference between feel and think is very very significant. One is in the head, analysing, overanalysing deciphering thinking and leads to beating yourself up for not doing or feeling worthless for failing. The constant judgement of yourself becomes a viscous circle of negative worthless toxic self talk.
I choose to leave the thinking to one side and instead do what I feel like doing. 'Feel' is more relational. More about what the gut instinct is saying. What does your intuition say. How does your body feel about doing something? are you getting anxious feelings, heart rate, panicky feelings? sick dread feelings? - or is your body feeling different? excited? anticipation etc? Listen to your body, and just go with it. No thinking, no analysing just do it.
This goes back to my blog on Banning Positive Vibes, where I mention that it may be worth trying to not label anything as Good or Bad, Positive or Negative, Should be or Shouldn't be etc. The more we try to label things the more we lead into thinking instead of feeling. So my go to way of trying to talk to myself with positive self talk again means I am in my head and not being relational with myself. So I am going to try to not do positive self talk, instead just acknowledge and notice what is happening and leave it there.
Good example this week was my gym visit - my first exercise on the programme was back squats so I needed to use the rack - the rack had mirrors along them and I couldn't avoid the mirror no matter where I stood. I was feeling good before walking in but the combination of getting changed into new leggings in the changing room which felt rather snug along with bumping into someone I hadn't seen for 2 years (and assuming he must be thinking how fat I was looking since he last saw me) I was then suddenly feeling vulnerable and fragile. All I could see in the mirror was what I had done to myself over the last year or so. How I had let myself go, how I had let myself down. How awful I looked. How disgusting. I was very vile to myself in my head. I then tried to counteract this by being kind to myself in my head. So I started positive self talk, 'Just remember why you are here', 'Just think you have turned up so it's a positive move' 'It's not going to happen overnight' 'Just keep turning up' etc etc etc etc. however, it just make things worse.
So I listened to my body, my heart was racing, I felt like I couldn't breathe due to lump in my throat. So I decided to try something different. I sat down in front of the mirror, I let my heart rate come down. I did some deep breathing, I put on my favourite song on the AirPods and sang my heart out (in my head - thank goodness I didn't embarrass myself in the middle of the gym by singing George Michael). I calmed myself down and started again.
I think we all see all over social media that we need to be kind to ourselves, we need positive self talk, we need self care such as massages, face masks, we should have more 'Me time' etc etc, I agree these are all positive things to do but again it isn't relational it just puts pressure on - as when you don't feel any better it goes back to negative self talk that you've done all of these positive things yet still feel the same. So I am going to try to listen more to my body and less to my mind. It's worth a try eh?
Commentaires